Wisdom for speaking with diﬃcult people

I picked up my phone for the umpteenth time and saw that there was still no response to my message. My calls had gone unanswered. Past conversations had resulted in my concerns being deflected and minimised, or pointed back at me. I wondered what to do when pursuing peace wasn’t working.

I had searched my heart, confessed my sins to God and to the other person. I felt deep pain at the prospect of not having this relationship in my life; it meant a lot to me. But time and time again my attempts at peace had fallen on an unmoved heart. It was time to let go.

When peacemaking doesn’t seem to work

The Bible teaches us that:

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” Romans 12:18

As God’s children, God’s peace is in our hearts, and we are called to live out his peace in our relationships. Living as a peacemaker is inherent in the nature of our new birth.

But sometimes there are people in our lives with whom our peacemaking eﬀorts are like pouring water on hot bitumen – a bit of steam may rise but no relational peace ever grows there. Eﬀorts to talk about problems are met with arguments, denial or silence. Responsibility is refused for relational breakdown and pain. There are destructive relational patterns, and no matter how much we try to do our part, the other person continually refuses to come to the peacemaking party.

What can we do to respond to negativity?

The confronting biblical word for a person who consistently refuses responsibility and correction is “fool”. We find this person often referred to in the book of Proverbs. He or she won’t listen to wisdom (Pr 1:7)

is always “right” (Pr. 12:15)
minimises sin (Pr. 14:9)
is deceptive and verbally poisonous (Pr. 10:18)
picks fights and enjoys provoking others (Pr. 20:3)

When you have tried to glorify God by searching your heart and owning your part, by moving toward the tough conversation, and by seeking support to resolve the issue, you have gone “as far as it depends on you”. If your eﬀorts at peace are consistently met with responses like those listed above, it’s time to grieve what is not, accept what is, and move to a place of healthy boundaries and forgiveness.

Moving forward with wisdom and boundaries

Even when we choose to let go of our desire to reconcile, there are many reasons why we may still need to relate to the person. What does wise communication look like with a diﬃcult person?

There is a kernel of wisdom about this topic in Proverbs 26:4-5, and it reads like a riddle:

“Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him. Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes.” Proverbs 26:4-5

While this riddle appears to be contradicting itself, it actually makes two important points about how to communicate with a person who behaves as a fool.

First, avoid being dragged into the folly. That means keep your head and your heart clear of the troublemaking weeds, saying no to being drawn into arguments, begging, power moves and defending yourself. Step back and give yourself space to refuse to be part of the melée, to glorify God by demonstrating the fruit of the Spirit in your responses (Gal. 5:22-23).

Second, choose to communicate with plain clarity about the essentials while avoiding lengthy explanations and exposing the tender recesses of your heart. Do the necessary business in uncluttered language and don’t make yourself vulnerable by trying too hard to have your heart and motives understood. It’s enough that you and God know these things. Jesus tells us not to cast our pearls before pigs lest they trample the pearls then turn and tear you to pieces (Mt. 7:6). Jesus is urging us to engage safely with a person who has demonstrated an ingrained pattern of refusing to take responsibility for their destructive behaviours. And safety looks like keeping what is precious out of reach.

Third, bless the person with your prayers (Rom.12:14). This may include continued prayers for the heart shift that has eluded your experience with them which may in turn open a pathway for reconciliation. It will also include releasing the outcome to God’s care and wisdom instead of the draining strain of demanding change. Our prayers for difficult people actively lay them at the foot of the cross, the place of God’s mercy and justice. This act of surrender frees us to authentically grieve the present reality as it is.

For me, hanging on to the hope of peace when there was little evidence of its fulfilment was ultimately an attempt to hold on to what I could not control. Letting go and enacting godly boundaries, while bringing on a season of grief, also made space for peace in my heart. I can’t tell you how good that feels.

This devotional was written by Jane Gibb.

A lifelong educator in schools and in the church, Jane now focuses on coaching people who want change in their relationships particularly after intimate betrayal. Her own heart and life have experienced deep transformation as she has found the courage and support to walk into difficulty instead of running away from it. As a mum of six with a growing tribe of grandchildren, as well as in her marriage to Steve, Jane finds plenty of opportunities to practice what she preaches as a PeaceWise trainer.