When someone doesn’t apologise – but they still do!
Sometimes we’re left stunned by others’ behaviour. Sometimes it’s intentional meanness. But sometimes it’s just mistakes people make that we can’t believe could ever happen. And we get frustrated – maybe even angry. One of my pet peeves is restaurants getting the takeaway order wrong and leaving something out. This happened to me recently and the person never even said sorry – until they did, but in a cross-cultural way which I nearly missed. Let me tell you the story…
We love our local family-run Vietnamese restaurant and when it’s just my wife Helen and I, we often order the same two dishes – shaking beef and stir fried tofu (stop groaning) plus some steamed rice. That was the whole order. There was no-one else there when I picked up my order – it was the only one. So, imagine my surprise when the order came out with the beef and the rice but no tofu!! The husband of the couple who run the restaurant called out to his wife “make the tofu” and said it wouldn’t be long.
But no apology was given.
At this point some “Me thinking” took place:
- Me thinking #1: Oh man, there were only two mains – how could you only cook one?
- Me thinking #2: I’m so sick of takeaway mistakes – and now the first meal will be cold. Grrr.
- Me thinking #3: and he didn’t even say sorry!!
What happened next was unexpected. He asked me if I would like some tea. I am not normally a tea drinker – more of a coffee snob, actually. But something in me said “Yes, on this occasion you would like tea – say yes”; so I did.
After this, he made me his tea. It was the nicest tea I have ever had. He explained how it is grown by a friend of his in Vietnam, who only gives it to his friends. He showed me the photos of the tea plants on his phone, which are ancient and more than 100 years old. I told him how much I liked the tea. And he was very pleased. And I calmed down.
And then I realised that what he’d actually done in offering me the tea was to give a beautiful cross-culturally sensitive apology – just in a different way to what I’m used to. It was through an act of meaningful kindness, rather than the words of apology which my Western ear is more used to hearing.
And then my food came, and we parted friends.
I learnt a valuable lesson, that we should always be on the lookout for what the intention and heart behind another’s actions are – especially when someone has done something to upset us. In PeaceWise, we caution against assuming the worst rather than the best about others’ intentions – what is sometimes called the unhelpful act of “assumicide”.
James 1:19 has this priceless wisdom for us:
“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”
And next time we order Vietnamese and I’m waiting, I will ask my friend if he might be able to make me a tea.
This article was written by Bruce Burgess.
Bruce is married to Helen and they have two adult children.
Bruce is the Founding Director of PeaceWise and is Australia’s first Certified Christian Conciliator™. He holds degrees in Arts, Law, Christian Studies and Theology. Bruce has extensive legal, risk and governance expertise, advising in these areas professionally on the day’s that he is not working for PeaceWise.
Bruce’s peacemaking work has led him to become involved in teaching and working with schools, workplace disputes as well as church and para-church based conflict cases. He is a sought after international speaker and his two particular areas of passion are working with organisations to build cultures of peace and teaching children and young people peacemaking so that they become peacemakers for life.
