The courage to reach out
A friend told me that Amy (pseudonym) was angry with me and called me a liar. Meanwhile, I was fed up with our communication and the resulting misunderstanding. Since she speaks Chinese and I’m a bilingual American, we communicate only in Chinese.
When I heard this news from my friend about how Amy was feeling, I thought, “Just let it be; let her think what she wants to think.” But my anger unsettled me. As a peacemaker, I knew this wasn’t the best approach to take.
Settling my heart
After a day of noticing that my own anger hadn’t dissipated, I followed the prayer journaling advice that I often give others:
1) Write out your feelings. Don’t condemn them. Feelings are just flags signaling that something matters to you.
2) Pour out your judgments. Tell God via your journal everything you think about the other person and the situation. Write out the way you perceive the other person is being unfair, inconsiderate, disrespectful, and so on.
3) Identify your unmet desires. Ask yourself and God these three questions to help identify your unmet desires:
1) What do I really want when I judge [the other person] for being _________?
2) Why does [my position] matter so much to me?
3) What does [the other person] seem to NOT care about, but I do?
Seeking God’s heart
Once I had my feelings and judgments written out, and clarity regarding my own needs and desires, my heart calmed down. Only then was I able to bring all of these things to God with open hands and prepare to have an honest conversation with Amy. I prayed:
“Lord, I don’t want our friendship to be hurt by the recent communication problems. Help me find words to communicate that I honestly don’t remember what I said at the time, and that I’m willing to fully believe what she remembered. I pray she will believe me. Help me to say nothing more than what is needed at this time.”
I wrote a text message sharing a few things, including part of my prayer, and suggested meeting up in person to clarify anything else. I concluded with saying that I want to continue growing as a person!
Three verses guided me in this process:
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”John 10:10
In my text, I shared that Satan would be happy if our friendship was harmed, but I know this is not God’s will for us.
“So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to them and then come and offer your gift.”Matthew 5:22-24
Knowing that she believed I had lied left me praying and asking God, “What does she think I lied about and how can I clear this up?” God showed me.
“…let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil.”Ephesians 4:25-27
I took a deep breath and wrote her that evening, sensing in my spirit that I should not wait.
What followed next was The Golden Result in action! Ken Sande introduces this principle (similar to The Golden Rule) in his book The Peacemaker[1]: “People will usually treat us the way we treat them.” (p. 78)
Connecting with her heart
In response, Amy opened up about why she behaved as she had and her concerns. Then she said that perhaps she hadn’t heard correctly and that she’d made an incorrect assumption, so “don’t take this to heart and be burdened by it.” My heart was released! We agreed by text to meet up for a meal after work slows down for her.
In my follow up journaling prayer to the Lord, I wrote: “Lord, I see the Golden Result in action and am grateful for the insights from journaling and prayer. I’m so glad I “took the plunge” and didn’t let more time pass by but reached out. I am grateful for the honest conversation that I pray will keep the door open for friendship (despite how frustrated I still get with her!). I desire to keep short accounts. It’s hard to do the “small” things sometimes, but those “small” things are “huge” for our relationships. Thank you.”
May God’s Word also propel you to do the work of a peacemaker and do the “small” but hard things that can make all the difference in a relationship!
Want to explore more?
To hear more from Jolene, Crossing East Asian cultures with the gospel of peace is a three-part webinar series hosted by PeaceWise and led by Jolene Kinser, with the support of Missions Interlink Australia and New Zealand and OMF New Zealand. Through practical examples and biblical teaching, Jolene explores how honour, shame, face, communication and reconciliation shape conflict in East Asian contexts, and how the gospel equips us to respond with wisdom, grace and courage. The webinar recordings are now available to purchase through the PeaceWise online store.
Jolene’s book, Changing Normal: Break Through Barriers to Pursuing Peace in Relationships, and her YouTube channel also offer practical, biblically grounded encouragement for navigating relationships with wisdom, humility and grace.
Jolene’s book, Changing Normal: Break Through Barriers to Pursuing Peace in Relationships, and her YouTube channel also offer practical help from a biblical and culturally-sensitive point of view on this topic and many others.
[1] The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict (3rd edition) by Ken Sande was published by Baker Books in 2004. The ISBNs are 0801064856 and 9780801064852.
This devotion was written by Jolene Kinser. Jolene brings many years of cross-cultural ministry experience, including more than two decades working in China. Now based in southern California, she serves as a global Chinese peacemaking ministry developer, educator and specialist with the South Pacific Alliance District of The Christian and Missionary Alliance. Jolene has a deep heart for helping people experience peace and reconciliation through biblically grounded peacemaking in Chinese and multi-cultural contexts.
