Owning it
Who is responsible? Sadly, the answer is often me!
Responsible for what, you may rightly ask. Conflict. Those arguments and disagreements we find ourselves in with those we work closely with, or more importantly, those we love. It seems far too often that I find I’m a willing participant in the conflict, contributing to the ongoing dispute, by pushing my position. Unfortunately, when I’m holding on so strong to my points, all that happens is that people get hurt. Often me, and absolutely the other person. What can we change during that conflict? What can begin to make things better?
A key element in working through a conflict, and trying to find a good resolution, is to recognise my part. Jesus, in Matthew 7:5 says,
“You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”Matthew 7:5
Jesus is telling me to check myself first. Look in the mirror and see what I’m doing wrong. Ask how I’m contributing to the conflict. Owning my part.
Sounds a little confronting or difficult. To be honest, your thinking would be right.
Sorting out and discovering my wrong thinking or behaviour in the middle of a situation is tough. It takes courage and conviction that the other person in this conflict is worth holding onto in relationship and not losing.
Yet isn’t that who we would rather be, someone who courageously makes a difference and turns things around? It takes a willingness to sacrifice our own selfishness, and often pride, to make the bold move of owning our part, and then trying to fix things with the other person.
I recently disagreed with a work colleague and spoke over the top of them as they explained their position on a particular policy. Because I had a more senior role, this resulted in them being embarrassed and feeling belittled. I was helped by others to see the outcome and did the important work of considering what I had done and how I had hurt them. Owning it, owning my part in what I had done wasn’t enough. I had to act on that and make a full and genuine apology to both the individual and before the whole group that had been present.
Wait, you may question. Aren’t you now the person being embarrassed? Perhaps so, but I had been in the wrong about the policy and should not, repeat not, have attempted to override. The relationship was far too valuable to lose. I chose to honour the other by apologising and asking for forgiveness. I willingly chose to eat humble pie.
Something outstanding occurred. Our relationship was reconciled, and we continue to forge strong bonds in our work environment. Others commented on the modelling of the valuable principle of owning our part.
Equally important was what happened in me. I felt that I had grown, that I stepped up into a stronger position of leadership. Why? I was doing what I have been called and given to do.
In 2 Corinthians 5:18 we are told that,
“All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation…”2 Corinthians 5:18
When I own my part, and take the steps to reconcile the relationship, I’m doing what God has given me to do – not only in human relationships but also in pointing people to reconciliation with God himself. It’s extremely fulfilling and satisfying to do so.
Owning my part takes courage, but the joy and wonder of reconciliation is worth it. The peace of a restored relationship deepens personal peace and brings tremendous joy.
If you are in a conflict today, step back and look at what you have contributed, then own it! Our website and the App, along with our Everyday Peacemaking course can give you the tools you need to succeed.
This devotional was written by Michael Anway. Pastor, chaplain and PeaceWise trainer. Putting these PeaceWise principles into practice since 2009.
